My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
