My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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