Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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