There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
