so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
