at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
