i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
