i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the day after is always just damage control
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
