it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
