I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize