I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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