yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
