i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
