I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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