I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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