So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
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He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
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i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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