K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
