i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Rumble strips road head = magical
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
