I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
