I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
