i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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