I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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