You made me cry and you don't even care
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
