ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
