my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think I won the penis lottery.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
