Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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