so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
