omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
