when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
