Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
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