I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
