oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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