GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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