The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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