i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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