So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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