I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
