jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
