two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
