I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
