i can't believe i had my finger in that
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
