Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
