Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
