Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
