my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
