I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
