Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
