The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
