If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
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I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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