im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
