I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
