I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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