When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
