How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
