We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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