Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
