come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
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