why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
