on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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